I Know You're Out There - Michael Beaumier

In I Know You’re Out There personals editor Beaumier illuminates the world of personals, those ads from people looking for everything from a one-night stand with a submissive man wanting humiliation to a life-long relationship. Each chapter opens with a sample ad, altered only to protect the hapless, which epitomises the theme of the chapter – from “losers” to “someone for everyone”. Along the way, as well as learning almost everything a potential ad placer or respondent may want to know (including, most vital of all, following the advice of the editor, who’s seen it all before and knows that “likes long walks along the beach” simply won’t cut it), more and more of Beaumier’s own life leaks through. And, although he tries to remain dispassionate, more of the lonely hearts’ lives begin leaking into his – almost against his will he gives advice to one particularly shy and self-effacing man, and tracks down a vivacious senior citizen who suddenly stops placing frequent ads. Estelle has some words of wisdom that resonate: “Love, real love, is when you realise that you’re in a race to see which of you is going to die first. And the worst thing in the world is when you lose.”
Although I’m sure that, when I bought I Know You’re Out There, I knew it was non-fiction, but that was some time ago. In my ongoing (and relatively unsuccessful) attempt to work my way through my own unread books, instead of buying and/or borrowing books, I grabbed a handful from a box, sight unseen. I began reading assuming it was fiction, probably of the romantic comedy variety. It isn’t, but I Know You’re Out There is warm, intermittently amusing, and interesting. Beaumier’s voice is detached but warm, and the snippets he initially drops about his own life are intriguing, making the latter chapters – where he goes into increasing detail about his unhappy long-term relationship – satisfying. There are light touches of humour, and a lot of compassion. This is by no means a weighty or significant book, but it’s not a bad way to pass the time.
As the internet takes over from more traditional media it will be interesting to see how much longer print personals survive. In the interim it’s on some level comforting to know that, at least in one case, the person responsible for safeguarding the dreams of the lonely cares about his charges and has an investment in their lives. - Alex